


let me come down from your love

by raihaqyaza



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, johnny is insecure, mention of YuWin, mention of markhyuck, ten is an understanding lover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23330815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raihaqyaza/pseuds/raihaqyaza
Summary: “I don’t understand,” Ten says, and Johnny wonders if the bewilderment and hurt in his eyes are straight reflections of how Johnny feels.Johnny can’t blame him. Among his many failures, this was something he should have come clean to Ten about, something he has promised he’d be honest about when they first started their relationship, back in 2017.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 11
Kudos: 150





	let me come down from your love

**Author's Note:**

> Quarantine got me writing. I couldn't go to bed. Enjoy. Bug me on twitter @hyuckplump.

If only he was better.

It has been a while since his inner demon made an appearance, having been buried deep within himself after years of working on his self-esteem and coming to terms with the fact that the hardships he was made to face in the past 11, 12 years was so that he could learn the extent of his strength, to understand exactly what he was capable of when pushed beyond limit. At 24 years old, he thought he was content and perhaps even proud of himself, of how far he has come, and yet.

(Johnny pours his feelings down onto his notepad, because he wants to remember this feeling, wants to overcome it so much that it’s hard to breathe).

And yet, Ten is, always, running a million miles per second ahead of him, leaving him behind, and Johnny wonders if this is why he and Donghyuck gets a long so well, bonding on the basis of their shared desperation for the two souls that will always be destined and meant for bigger stages and louder audiences.

And so here they are.

“I don’t understand,” Ten says, and Johnny wonders if the bewilderment and hurt in his eyes are straight reflections of how Johnny feels.

Johnny can’t blame him. Among his many failures, this was something he should have come clean to Ten about, something he has promised he’d be honest about when they first started their relationship, back in 2017.

“Help me understand,” Ten’s voice cracks.

Johnny looks up, and his heart breaks all over again for Ten. Ten’s knuckles are white from gripping the dining table so tightly, perhaps to calm himself down. This must have been the last thing he expected when Johnny asked him to come over to 127 dorm. He is glaring straight ahead at Johnny to a point that the intensity is threatening to suffocate him, and one glance at his hard, glistening eyes is all Johnny needs to feel the weight of guilt slowly crushing him on his shoulders.

“I love you,” Johnny says around burned throat, because he knows this to be true. “That doesn’t change.”

Ten's tears fall on their own, and Johnny never thought anything could make him hate himself as much as when his name wasn’t announced as the original line up for U, and then later 127. He did this to Ten, who has done nothing but trust that Johnny would have come to him in times of need, like they promised.

“Being with you hurts,” Johnny admits, and he is so, so sorry, but he needs to do this now, before it gets worse. “I woke up one day and realised I had to leave.”

He remembers it well.

He remembers thinking sleeping it off will help him feel better, only to open his eyes the next morning and breathing heavily because he realised he couldn’t stay anymore, and he cried so much wishing there was another way that their relationship could work. Jaehyun was there, and so was Yuta. They both stayed with him until the last of it.

“When?” Ten asks, quietly. He, like everybody else in NCT, is familiar with Johnny’s insecurities with himself. He, more than anybody, knows it is amplified when it comes down to just him and Johnny. They were in this exact place, back in 2017 when Ten released his solo Station, something even the likes of Taeyong and Mark were deemed not yet ready for at the time, and then again, in 2018 when they were promoting with Empathy and Ten released New Heroes.

Johnny knows Ten is not asking when had it started hurting, because deep down they have long come to terms with the fact that it had always hurt, except Johnny was too stubborn to let it come in between them.

This is what Ten means: _when did it become too much?_

"I can't pinpoint a single moment," Johnny answers what he can. "I think it's an accumulation from all the way back."

Ten allows some time for the words to sink, before he asks again. "Why didn't you you tell me?"

"I thought it would pass."

Ten lets out a small scoff, and Johnny moves around the table to approach him. Though Ten is refusing to look his way, Johnny stays, because he needs him to beokay.

"I thought the concerts and the world tour, going back home, being away from you, I thought they'd help. I stopped following your activities altogether and focused on my own work. Even wrote some music, invested more for JCC."

He worked harder than before and sought as many opportunities as he could. He started meeting with producers and writers that work with SM and studied visual marketing for the hell of it. He kept himself as busy as he could, only to realise it did nothing but numb himself down.

He stopped feeling anything altogether, until Ten got ahold of him in between schedules and smiled up at him, breathless, as he shared in hurried whispers that he will debut with SuperM, and the smile on Johnny’s face as he congratulated him was overly stretched than normal that it hurt.

(Later, he returned to the dorm to find Donghyuck crying quietly into his own pillow, and found comfort in the fact that he had someone he could confide in).

“You are so high up there and not being able to be where you are kills me inside.” Johnny hears himself confesses. “I hate that I seem to only be cheering for you in the background.”

“But you're not,” Ten turns to him, desperation raw in his voice. “You don’t measure someones’ worth solely based on how many jobs they’re offered. We’ve agreed on this.”

“Ten, what else do I have going on for me? What other ways can I measure my self-worth, if not the stages we get the opportunity to stand on?”

“You are _amazing_ ,” Ten takes his face into his hand, fingers digging into Johnny's skin and pulling him so close that Johnny can see his wet lashes. “Don’t you trust me?” He whispers.

He used to.

He used to, until it was no longer enough.

But Johnny can’t bring himself to tell him that. It took him a while to admit it to himself, let alone saying it out loud to Ten. Ten says he is strong, and Johnny knows it to be true, but he also knows that _his_ words can, and has hurt Ten before. His memory flashes back to 2016 when Ten was on top of the world after debut and Johnny brought him back down out of his own ego because he failed to debut. Had it been anybody else, he knew Ten would have retaliated, but Johnny had known since even back then that he has a different effect on him and had used it to his advantage. 

Ten’s fingers falls, and silence envelops them so loudly it is deafening.

Ten meets his eyes fiercely. “I need you to be honest with me. Have I ever given the impression that I was unhappy or ashamed of you? Is that why—“

“No,” Johnny cuts him off right away. “No, it was never that. This is all me—“

“Because I’m happy and proud and love you for who you are, and I don’t understand—“

“But I’m not, Ten.”

Ten stops, eyes going wide.

Johnny suddenly feels lighter, now that it is out there. He’s only shared this with Donghyuck, that night.

He lets out a shaky breath. “I’m not happy. I love you, but I’ve been hating myself more than anything else when I’m around you. I love you, but I was more at peace when I was on tour or you were in China. I love you, and you’re my best friend, but I’m starting to think badly of you for your success and accomplishment and I hate that I can’t be supportive of you.”

( _What kind of boyfriend am I, hyung?_ Donghyuck had asked him, a while back. _Why don’t I feel happy for him?_ ).

Except Mark was distant, unlike Ten. Something was eating at Mark on the inside while Ten tried his best to be good for him.

Johnny hears Ten exhales.

“Tell me how I can help,” Ten finally says, sounding determined. “I don’t care that you waited this long to tell me, thank you for coming to me now. Tell me how I can help you, Johnny.”

Johnny repeats what he said earlier. He closes his eyes, bracing himself. “Please let me go.”

Johnny doesn’t say he’d like to leave before he starts hating Ten, or that he needs to learn to love himself first before he learns to love Ten again like old times. He doesn't say _for now_ , but what he doesn’t say, he knows Ten understands. He’s always been good at reading in between the lines, when it is between them two.

Ten rubs his face with a hand, looking so incredibly tired. “Is that the only way I can help?” 

“Yes.” Johnny whispers with finality.

Ten exhales, and says softly under his breath. “Okay.”

Johnny doesn’t realise how long he’s been holding his breath.

“Just—come back when you’re ready,” Ten asks, meeting his eyes. He looks strong and invincible and Johnny never stops envying him for it. “Let me know how you’re doing. Don’t be a stranger. Don’t ask me to not wait up because you think it’s unfair. I will wait, because I have never wanted anybody else.”

_I’m staying up._

Ten continues, “I respect it if you need time to understand that.”

_I don’t wanna come down from your love._

“But I’m not going anywhere, Johnny, do you hear me?”

Johnny laughs, and he feels his worries slowly dissipating.

 _We’ll get lost together let me fall_.

He takes Ten into his arms, and they stay like that for a while.

“Please know that this isn’t you screwing up,” Johnny kisses him at the top of his head.

Ten mumbles, “I know.”

Johnny smiles, and it is sad. It is another thing he envies from Ten, the way he has always been so, so sure of himself. He’d like to learn to do that, too.

When Johnny finally lets him go and Ten leaves, he thinks that this, in an of itself, is progress worth celebrating.

*

*

*

Months later, when Kick It album is released and Johnny is scrolling mindlessly on his now-public instagram account, he stumbles upon an edited video of Ten who were seemingly doing a live. He taps to hear it, and smiles when the Ten on the video repeats what he has already told Johnny on the phone, when the music video first came out.

“ _Johnny came out really cool. This time, Johnny really… he’s so handsome._ ”

Something inside him stirs, and Johnny thinks it has been a while since he last saw him in person. 

Johnny saves the clip, ponders about it, and then facetimes Ten.

It doesn’t take long for the other to pick up, looking sweaty and barefaced.

“What are you doing after practice?” Johnny asks right away.

He can see Winwin waving at him from behind Ten, with Yuta somehow there, clinging tightly onto the younger.

The corners of Ten’s lips pull into a grin. “Depends. Are you taking me out?”

Johnny feels at joy as he chuckles. “What time will you be done?”

“I’m done for today, but there’s a quick SuperM briefing in a sec. How about you pick me up in 40 minutes?”

Johnny finds it is easy to breathe when he says, “See you then.”

_Don’t ever let me come down from your love._

Ten grins. “See you.”

_From your love._

**Author's Note:**

> Send me comments because your comments will help me feel less stressed out about quarantine.


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